WOWWWW! the last time i actually updated this blog was like more than half a year before! hahas! no wonder i had difficulties when signing in!

time really flies man, so much had happened in the last 6months, good and bad. the only one that comes to my mind right now is the lost of my closest kin. i really never expected this to happen, so suddenly. i bet no one really knows how i feel. the regrets towards him and hatred towards myself is something i really do not know how to face up to. cant put them all in words and dont even have the right person whom i can pour it out to.

pa, im really sorry for the past. since young, you always dote on me the most and try to get me whatever i wanted. although your temper really sucks and cant communicate with us in the right way, but i know deep down in your heart you still dote on us.
so like 4years ago, mum and you separated, and sis moved out too. leaving the 3 of us to live together. your temper became much better and i started to see you doing things for the family too. but i felt tt we were further then anything else. we rarely talk and stuff.
so that damn thing happened! on my birthday! we stayed with mum after tt and did not met you for like 8months. i really really really regretted for not contacting you even though the bad conditions i heard from others. i even gave attitude sometimes! i really wanna kill myself now! cant say how remorseful i am!
so i finally saw you on the first day of CNY, and it was really the shock of my life! you cant imagine the heartache i had when i saw you. sorry pa, really. sorry for not being by your side when you needed someone. and acted like some selfish fucker! sorry!
i tried to give you what you wanted but it was beyond my limits. im sorry that i actually doubt your words and i deserve to be killed for this! sorry for all the fucking attitude i showed you even when you're most in need. i even gave excuses till the very moment you're admitted into the hospital. it was till then when i woke up and hated myself!! but it was alr at the critical stage and there was nth i can do alr. the look you gave me when i saw you the first day you was admitted and the last time i see you conscious will always be in my mind. you gave me the 'sarcastic' look like i finally believe you and stuff. im really sorry pa. i really deserved to be slapped to death! and we even agitated you when you wanted to tell us what you simply wanted. days went by and i tried to visit you whenever i can. i was filled with regrets and i told myself i would do all i can to repay if you can recover, but sadly you didn't. the 3 days of funeral was the worst days. i was running high fever and did not have the energy to do my best for you. im really sorry. till now, i still hope that you left in peace rather then blaming us. i dont know if you heard what ive been telling you when we went to pay our respects, but i really hope you do. i want you to know how guilty i am and i would do better if im given a second chance. im really sorry pa, dont blame me ok. i promise to do the best i can in future. forgive me please. i love you pa.

i dont know why im on this topic. not the purpose of this post. just wanted to talk bout my current life, which is super stressed by year3 workload. and too tired for work. i cant get myself to study in peace, nor effectively or efficiently. i just get nothing right! FUCK IT!